


Forced Feelings

by The Key To Imagine (whiskeywit)



Category: The Beatles
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-25
Updated: 2017-03-25
Packaged: 2018-10-10 13:05:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10438341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whiskeywit/pseuds/The%20Key%20To%20Imagine
Summary: Title: Forced FeelingsAuthor: didzease & beacoroRating: PGWord Count: 1120Disclaimer: We don't own the Beatles, and it's nothing but a work of fiction. Enjoy and leave a comment if you want to.A/N: I sort of forced Bea to write this, but the plot came out all wonderful so I made a few small changes so she would be comfortable enough with me posting this. :)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Backup of old fic originally posted to the Beatles community JohnheartPaul, currently residing on key_to_imagine, currently in locked status. Note contains the header as is on the LJ post.
> 
> Originally posted 31 JANUARY 2009

Forced Feelings  
  
  
I can't believe this.   
  
I can't believe myself, as I can't believe I've let something like this happen. That I've let this happen to both me and my heart. It's fucking traitor, that's what it is.  
  
I mean, John. _John_! Why the fuck, out of everybody I know, _John_? You won't even hear me complaining that it's a man I've fallen for. But – and _fuck_ \- John Winston Lennon?! Not only my best friend, someone I share secrets and passions with, but also one of the most complicated people to walk the earth?   
  
A fool, yeah, I guess that's what I am. I always find a way to complicate my life, I always find a way to make myself less at ease than I should be, and find a way to make my life feel less perfect than it should be.  
  
The worst about it all is I can't make myself forget him. Not romantically, at least, and I can't make myself forget all of him because I don't want that. He understands me too well, and because of that reason I don't want to, or no, I _can't_ give up our friendship. And neither can I make myself fall out of love with him, because that's what I am – in love, and not just the fluttering of butterflies in my stomach and blood rushing to my head when I look at him, but so much in love that I'd say I'm fucking infatuated with him.   
  
And you know what else?   
  
...I s _wear_ I've tried, harder than I could possibly explain, ever, and maybe even harder than I'd want to admit to others and to myself, because I've put so much effort in it and it just won't work.  
  
So I guess it's true when they say that we can't control our feelings, not really at least. I used to think I did have some control over myself and my emotions, and right now I feel rather weak because of that reason, as now I'm living with the knowledge that I don't rule myself anymore. That I can't control my thoughts or the way I'm feeling, and that I can't even influence it the tiniest bit anymore.   
  
And then there's the fact that I used to be able to. I'm not saying I fell in love with everyone I wanted to fall for, but at least I could make myself think of other things. At least I didn't have to think about the fluttering in my stomach and in my head whenever the person I am in love with is near. I don't know why it's different this time, and I can't figure it out, either – it _frustrates_ me.  
  
 _He_ frustrates me. Sometimes when he does, when he makes me mad - even if on those moments I will be able to control myself and not scream at him or anything - I think there's a tiny possibility I'll finally be able to move on, and over him... But then, and God damn him, when I've finally stopped thinking about him and when I'm finally starting to believe that maybe this time I'm getting back my old self, the way I used to be before I met him, he comes up and smiles at me, or apologizes for making me upset. And at other times he says something... so fucking _cute_ , without even noticing himself, or jokes around with me and is nothing but himself, the free and charismatic soul I'm used to hang around with, and every time again I loose myself to him. Every time I find my breath stuck in my throat, and my heart is throbbing so loud I can hear it in my ears, and my coherent thoughts are washed away with images of him and all he's done for me, with me, and to me.   
  
  
I'd say this, my feelings for him, definitely is something people would name a vicious circle.  
  
When we're having a conversation, or one of our little moments - just the two of us - I can _feel_ that I'm in love with him, I feel the weak feeling in my legs, and the light feeling in my head, and right then I don't even care I'm feeling like that, because for a while I'm too caught up in the moment, in him, and I can't bring myself to shake it off because it's so addicting – his attention is.  
  
Then later, when he's away, I start to think it all over and I kick myself mentally for being such a fool once again. Whenever I think I'm strong enough to see him and feel nothing more than friendship towards him, when I think I can resist his crooked smile and the sparkling eyes that tempt me...   
  
And there he is, time after time, and the warm feeling comes right along with his mop top, shutting down the coherent part of my brains again, and makes my emotion of the moment – no matter how I felt before – a mess inside my stomach and a conflict in my head.   
  
Sometimes we'll fight over something silly, and he has the capability to make me angrier than nobody else ever has, and I'll go home afterwards - thinking I hate him, and I've escaped from his spell. But then the fucker will ring me, or try to have a private talk – grabbing my arm and dragging me away from the others, and I will only think about how his warm hand feels through the fabric of my shirt – and in the end we meet up after the fights and he shows how sorry he is, even if it's without saying the actual words.   
  
And I won't be able to resist him, or stay mad at him. Soon we'll be back to our little jokes and light conversations, and my heart will be pounding for him once more. It repeats itself over and over, and even though I suppose I should be growing tired of it, I don't feel like I ever am. I just keep coming back to him.  
  
You know... if I'm honest to myself, painfully so; I don't think I'll ever grow tired of John. No matter how many times he hurts me, or how often we will fight, no matter how frustrated I am by my feelings for him, I fear I'm tied to his friendship forever.   
  
Now all I can do is hope John doesn't grow tired of me and leave me someday, because I know that if he would, then this traitor I have for a heart will leave me as well, only in favour to stay with him.


End file.
